I am so sorry that I've disappeared off again.
I knew this would happen. ><
I am so sorry.
I really miss blogging so much and I'll try my best to update often.
Let see what I have been up to lately,
well its winter break, but I'm taking winter classes.
And actually a lot of things is happening in my life right now,
and I don't want to face any of it.
I tried not to think about it, but its there and its always in my head.
It is something that I can not avoid, but I'm trying to avoid it.
I don't want to face it, want to avoid it.
But some of these things are things that I can't just leave them hanging.
Things that I can't just pretend it never happened.
I really wish it never happened, I wish everything was a dream.
But its not and its hurting me so much.
I try to be happy everyday, and laugh along with my friends, but
at the end of the day, I would be upset.
And everything would be popping through my head.
I try to watch tv and listen to music to forget about it, but it doesn't work.
I feel pathetic, annoyed, angry, upset etc.
I want to give up on everything, I want to shut myself away from the world.
I want to just disappear and never show up again.
I want to sleep forever because its the only way that I can forget about
And when I wake up, all these will be there again.
I just feel really down.
I just feel really down.
Sigh, I don't know what to do or who to talk to.
I guess I'll just blog about it?
I felt like all these problems are building up on top of each other.
Slowly, I'm going to break.
I feel really depress and this is how I felt in the 10th grade.
I never felt this way ever since then.
But this is exactly the same feeling I had back then.
I tried to be happy and always laughing along with my friends.
This way, none of my friends know I'm depress right?
I try to hide it from people around me.
But its hard, its hurting me even more.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
Family problems, personal problems, emotional problems, everything problems.
Everything just slowly builds up.
I'm tired and I'm done with all these. I dont want it to bother me anymore.
But it won't go away. I try to escape it.
But I guess its best to face it and slowly let it past.
Would it even go past me?
I don't think so.
Most of these problems has a strong imprint and even it does past me,
it will leave a strong scar that it would never heal.
On top of everything, I just lost someone that's really dear to me.
Someone that is really important and very special to me.
I couldn't believe that this person is gone forever from me.
I couldn't believe that last monday was the last time I will see her.
I won't be able to call for her anymore, won't be able to see her anymore.
This news really hit me hard, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it.
I didn't want to believe it, believe that she is gone from me forever.
Although, that day everything stopped for me. I felt my heart stop.
I felt the world stop, but I also realize life kept going.
I realize I still need to live each day. I realize nothing stop, but myself.
I lost my dearest Grandma, and I missed her so much.
We shared a very close relationship, she raised me, and cared for me.
She was always there for me.
I can't believe the person I look up to, is gone from me.
I wouldn't be able to call her grandma anymore.
And whenever I call "grandma" no one going to respond to me anymore.
I miss my grandma so much.
And on top of this, the person that I like for a year and a half now is probably dating
one of my friend.
He knows that I like him and we shared a lot of memories.
Everyone thought we were a thing or going to be a thing.
We were like an unofficial couple going to official.
But at the end of last May, we sat down and had a talked.
We decide that we should stay as friends because we have such a close relationship
that we didn't want to ruin.
We continue to have the close relationship.
I thought my feelings for him was gone after summer break.
But the feelings was still there.
It didn't change.
Nothing change between us.
Although, I don't see him on campus anymore cause he graduated.
We still have those late night talks and we were still like before.
But lately, I think he has a different interest now.
I think he and one of my friend might have something.
I thought she was with this other guy.
I thought she liked this other guy.
I can't hate her, I can't be mad at her
because she's my friend. I'm suppose to be happy for them.
I get happy when I see her.
She's the cutest thing ever.
This is something that I never thought and expected.
I don't know if its true, but from what I've been seeing, it looks like it.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much.
I mean, friends can hit each other up, and walks dog together...right?
I really don't know anymore.
Apparently, I really like him because he's always on my mind.
All the memories and everything keep popping into my head.
I can't let any of these go.
I still get jealous and upset with him.
I still get extremely happy and butterflies with him.
He still make me really happy and make me laugh like theres no tomorrow.
I guess I still really do like him.
I don't know what to do.
I guess I really have to let go...
I'm sorry, I rambled.
There's so many problems in my life right now and I don't know how to fix any of them.
Well, I guess I should stop talking and see you guys soon.