Update

Hi everyone, 

I am so sorry that I've disappeared off again. 

I knew this would happen. >< 

I am so sorry. 

I really miss blogging so much and I'll try my best to update often. 

Let see what I have been up to lately, 

well its winter break, but I'm taking winter classes. 

And actually a lot of things is happening in my life right now,

and I don't want to face any of it. 

I tried not to think about it, but its there and its always in my head. 

It is something that I can not avoid, but I'm trying to avoid it. 

I don't want to face it, want to avoid it. 

But some of these things are things that I can't just leave them hanging. 

Things that I can't just pretend it never happened. 

I really wish it never happened, I wish everything was a dream. 

But its not and its hurting me so much. 

I try to be happy everyday, and laugh along with my friends, but 

at the end of the day, I would be upset. 

And everything would be popping through my head. 

I try to watch tv and listen to music to forget about it, but it doesn't work. 

I feel pathetic, annoyed, angry, upset etc. 

I want to give up on everything, I want to shut myself away from the world. 

I want to just disappear and never show up again. 

I want to sleep forever because its the only way that I can forget about 

everything. 

And when I wake up, all these will be there again.
I just feel really down. 

Sigh, I don't know what to do or who to talk to. 

I guess I'll just blog about it? 

I felt like all these problems are building up on top of each other. 

Slowly, I'm going to break. 

I feel really depress and this is how I felt in the 10th grade. 

I never felt this way ever since then. 

But this is exactly the same feeling I had back then. 

I tried to be happy and always laughing along with my friends. 

This way, none of my friends know I'm depress right?

I try to hide it from people around me. 

But its hard, its hurting me even more. 

I really don't know what to do anymore. 

Family problems, personal problems, emotional problems, everything problems.

Everything just slowly builds up. 

I'm tired and I'm done with all these. I dont want it to bother me anymore.

But it won't go away. I try to escape it. 

But I guess its best to face it and slowly let it past. 

Would it even go past me? 

I don't think so. 

Most of these problems has a strong imprint and even it does past me, 

it will leave a strong scar that it would never heal. 

On top of everything, I just lost someone that's really dear to me. 

Someone that is really important and very special to me. 

I couldn't believe that this person is gone forever from me. 

I couldn't believe that last monday was the last time I will see her. 

I won't be able to call for her anymore, won't be able to see her anymore. 

This news really hit me hard, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it. 

I didn't want to believe it, believe that she is gone from me forever. 

Although, that day everything stopped for me. I felt my heart stop. 

I felt the world stop, but I also realize life kept going. 

I realize I still need to live each day. I realize nothing stop, but myself. 

I lost my dearest Grandma, and I missed her so much. 

We shared a very close relationship, she raised me, and cared for me. 

She was always there for me. 

I can't believe the person I look up to, is gone from me. 

I wouldn't be able to call her grandma anymore. 

And whenever I call "grandma" no one going to respond to me anymore. 

I miss my grandma so much. 

And on top of this, the person that I like for a year and a half now is probably dating

one of my friend. 

He knows that I like him and we shared a lot of memories. 

Everyone thought we were a thing or going to be a thing. 

We were like an unofficial couple going to official. 

But at the end of last May, we sat down and had a talked. 

We decide that we should stay as friends because we have such a close relationship

that we didn't want to ruin. 

We continue to have the close relationship. 

I thought my feelings for him was gone after summer break. 

But the feelings was still there. 

It didn't change. 

Nothing change between us. 

Although, I don't see him on campus anymore cause he graduated. 

We still have those late night talks and we were still like before. 

Nothing changed. 

But lately, I think he has a different interest now. 

I think he and one of my friend might have something. 

I thought she was with this other guy. 

I thought she liked this other guy. 

I can't hate her, I can't be mad at her

because she's my friend. I'm suppose to be happy for them.

I get happy when I see her. 

She's the cutest thing ever. 

This is something that I never thought and expected. 

I don't know if its true, but from what I've been seeing, it looks like it. 

Maybe I'm just thinking too much. 

I mean, friends can hit each other up, and walks dog together...right?

  I really don't know anymore. 

Apparently, I really like him because he's always on my mind. 

All the memories and everything keep popping into my head. 

I can't let any of these go. 

I still get jealous and upset with him. 

I still get extremely happy and butterflies with him. 

He still make me really happy and make me laugh like theres no tomorrow. 

I guess I still really do like him. 

I don't know what to do. 

I guess I really have to let go... 

Sigh, 

I'm sorry, I rambled. 

There's so many problems in my life right now and I don't know how to fix any of them. 

Well, I guess I should stop talking and see you guys soon. 

Bye