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Tuesday, January 13, 2015


Hi everyone, 
I am so sorry that I've disappeared off again. 
I knew this would happen. >< 
I am so sorry. 
I really miss blogging so much and I'll try my best to update often. 
Let see what I have been up to lately, 
well its winter break, but I'm taking winter classes. 
And actually a lot of things is happening in my life right now,
and I don't want to face any of it. 
I tried not to think about it, but its there and its always in my head. 
It is something that I can not avoid, but I'm trying to avoid it. 
I don't want to face it, want to avoid it. 
But some of these things are things that I can't just leave them hanging. 
Things that I can't just pretend it never happened. 
I really wish it never happened, I wish everything was a dream. 
But its not and its hurting me so much. 
I try to be happy everyday, and laugh along with my friends, but 
at the end of the day, I would be upset. 
And everything would be popping through my head. 
I try to watch tv and listen to music to forget about it, but it doesn't work. 
I feel pathetic, annoyed, angry, upset etc. 
I want to give up on everything, I want to shut myself away from the world. 
I want to just disappear and never show up again. 
I want to sleep forever because its the only way that I can forget about 
And when I wake up, all these will be there again.
I just feel really down. 
Sigh, I don't know what to do or who to talk to. 
I guess I'll just blog about it? 

I felt like all these problems are building up on top of each other. 
Slowly, I'm going to break. 
I feel really depress and this is how I felt in the 10th grade. 
I never felt this way ever since then. 
But this is exactly the same feeling I had back then. 
I tried to be happy and always laughing along with my friends. 
This way, none of my friends know I'm depress right?
I try to hide it from people around me. 
But its hard, its hurting me even more. 
I really don't know what to do anymore. 
Family problems, personal problems, emotional problems, everything problems.
Everything just slowly builds up. 
I'm tired and I'm done with all these. I dont want it to bother me anymore.
But it won't go away. I try to escape it. 
But I guess its best to face it and slowly let it past. 
Would it even go past me? 
I don't think so. 
Most of these problems has a strong imprint and even it does past me, 
it will leave a strong scar that it would never heal. 

On top of everything, I just lost someone that's really dear to me. 
Someone that is really important and very special to me. 
I couldn't believe that this person is gone forever from me. 
I couldn't believe that last monday was the last time I will see her. 
I won't be able to call for her anymore, won't be able to see her anymore. 
This news really hit me hard, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it. 
I didn't want to believe it, believe that she is gone from me forever. 
Although, that day everything stopped for me. I felt my heart stop. 
I felt the world stop, but I also realize life kept going. 
I realize I still need to live each day. I realize nothing stop, but myself. 
I lost my dearest Grandma, and I missed her so much. 
We shared a very close relationship, she raised me, and cared for me. 
She was always there for me. 
I can't believe the person I look up to, is gone from me. 
I wouldn't be able to call her grandma anymore. 
And whenever I call "grandma" no one going to respond to me anymore. 
I miss my grandma so much. 

And on top of this, the person that I like for a year and a half now is probably dating
one of my friend. 
He knows that I like him and we shared a lot of memories. 
Everyone thought we were a thing or going to be a thing. 
We were like an unofficial couple going to official. 
But at the end of last May, we sat down and had a talked. 
We decide that we should stay as friends because we have such a close relationship
that we didn't want to ruin. 
We continue to have the close relationship. 
I thought my feelings for him was gone after summer break. 
But the feelings was still there. 
It didn't change. 
Nothing change between us. 
Although, I don't see him on campus anymore cause he graduated. 
We still have those late night talks and we were still like before. 
Nothing changed. 
But lately, I think he has a different interest now. 
I think he and one of my friend might have something. 
I thought she was with this other guy. 
I thought she liked this other guy. 
I can't hate her, I can't be mad at her
because she's my friend. I'm suppose to be happy for them.
I get happy when I see her. 
She's the cutest thing ever. 
This is something that I never thought and expected. 
I don't know if its true, but from what I've been seeing, it looks like it. 
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. 
I mean, friends can hit each other up, and walks dog together...right?
  I really don't know anymore. 
Apparently, I really like him because he's always on my mind. 
All the memories and everything keep popping into my head. 
I can't let any of these go. 
I still get jealous and upset with him. 
I still get extremely happy and butterflies with him. 
He still make me really happy and make me laugh like theres no tomorrow. 
I guess I still really do like him. 
I don't know what to do. 
I guess I really have to let go... 

I'm sorry, I rambled. 
There's so many problems in my life right now and I don't know how to fix any of them. 
Well, I guess I should stop talking and see you guys soon. 


miriamfanz said...

Hey, just wanted to tell you that things WILL get better. I went through a period of tough times too, but in the end, everything turned out to be alright. This is a test of your willpower and you will emerge from this as a stronger person. Hang in there and you will see the end of the tunnel soon.

Just TVB said...

Be strong! =)

foreverlovetvb said...

Just TVB: Thank you!!